Bonds that Liberate

"People say of marriage that it is boring, when what they mean is that it terrifies them: too many and too deep are its searing revelations. ... They say of children that they are... brats..., when what they mean is that the importance of parents with respect to the future of their children is now known with greater clarity...than ever before.
"... No tame project, marriage. The raising of children...brings each of us breathtaking vistas of our own inadequacy.
"... [So,] we want desperately to blame [family life,] the institution which places our inadequacy in the brilliant glare of interrogation. ...
"The quantity of sheer...selfishness in the human breast (in my breast) is a never-failing source of wonderment. I do not want to be disturbed, challenged, troubled. Huge regions of myself belong only to me. ... Seeing myself through the unblinking eyes of an intimate, intelligent other, an honest spouse, is humiliating beyond anticipation. Maintaining a familial steadiness whatever the state of my own emotion is a standard by which I stand daily condemned...
"[Yet] my dignity as a human being depends perhaps more on what sort of husband and parent I am, than on my professional work I am called to do. My bonds to them hold me back from many sorts of opportunities. And yet these do not feel like bonds. They are...my liberation. They force me to be a different sort of human being, in a way in which I want and need to be forced."

-Michael Novak, quoted by Bruce C. Hafen, "Covenant Hearts: Marriage and the Joy of Human Love"

MIA in Montana

Last week my husband and I traded in our flip-flops for snow boots. My husband was attending a conference in Montana, and as his airfare/lodging/food were paid for, I decided to accompany him.

Logic would argue that leaving a sick kid and a half potty-trained toddler to go on vacation would be an easy thing to do. It was surprisingly tear jerking. But, I knew I was leaving them in good hands, and a bajillion thank-yous to my parents who were willing to meet the task and allow us to go MIA for a bit.

We reversed our bad vacation karma... or at least we made it work in our favor. It snowed every day we were there. When my husband wasn't in class, we were enjoying surroundings such as this:

Or skiing and playing in the snow:

One night, we took a moonlight trip on top of a snow cat to dine in a yurt packed in snow. It felt a little bit like a scene out of Star Wars:

Trips into unfamiliar territory always expand our horizons, so here is a list of things I learned while in Montana:

• Cold weather requires a minimum of 5 layers of clothing (underwear, long underwear, base clothes, sweater, jacket/boots/hats/mittens). Allow 5-10 minutes to get dressed or undressed.
• While living a "Downton" life is enjoyable from the housekeeping point of view, multiple clothing changes a day are overrated (breakfast clothes, ski clothes, dinner clothes...).
• I am not as awesome looking while skiing as I had imagined myself, thanks to a photographer who took "action" shots of me.
• There are more people who resort-hop and ski all winter long than you might think. My experience is that they are either retired or transient. In either case, alone.
• It is very possible to find oneself on top of a snow cat, in the snowy forest, on a cold winter's night, with a bunch of drunk people. Kind of surreal.
• Drunk people laugh at anything. This can be to your advantage if you are sober.
• Hot chocolate at breakfast is a requirement when it is snowing outside.
• There is a meatloaf in existence that combines beef, bison, and elk meat and is then wrapped in bacon. As the waiter put it, that's 4 animals in one bite!
• I used to think that not having cable in our home was a sacrifice. I have learned that cable only gives you more options of nothing to watch.
• Cindy Crawford's skincare line uses a secret anti-aging ingredient only found in melons grown in southern France.
• For a limited time only this $170 skin care line is available for $39.95!

Lessons that were reinforced:

• Your hair dries faster and gets awesomely straight in the West.
• I hate hotel tubs that back up.
• Having time to discover the world as a couple is priceless.
• I love my husband and children dearly.

Elder and Sister Holland

Last school year, I listened to several interviews of church leaders on the Mormon Channel during lunch time or my daughter's nap. They are in a series titled "Conversations" and found under the Radio Series menu. They are really inspiring and a neat way to get to hear our leaders talk in a more personal/informal way about their lives and challenges. It's refreshing to be reminded of the fact that our leaders are not perfect and have not had perfect or easy lives. But, they do have amazing faith and commitment. I listened to and highly recommend: Ep.1- Elder and Sister Bednar, Ep. 15- Sister Beck & daughters, Ep. 16- Elder and Sister Costa, Ep. 22- Elder and Sister Holland.

The other day, I reacquainted myself with the interview of Elder Holland and Patricia Holland conducted by Sheri Dew, Episode 22. They each have given talks that rank at the top of my "favorites", and I find them to be such inspiring and dynamic people. I loved listening to how they raised their family (particularly Patricia's strength) and the faith it took for them to fulfill their various callings. For my reference, and yours, here is a summary of the interview. Tomorrow I will post a few of my favorite quotes.

Minutes 1-32

• Discuss son being recently called as President of UVU 
• Raising children at BYU when working as BYU President 
• BYU football 1984 
• Building the Jerusalem Center 
• Juggling demands of BYU President/Jerusalem Center/Raising young family/Sis. Holland serving as General Young Women counselor 
• How they've made their marriage work

Minutes 32-59

• Childhoods and what impacted their development
• What forges a strong marriage/ Early challenges in their marriage
• Witnessing the attack on womanhood, motherhood, and home
• Elder Holland's message of not giving up, faith, and hope 

Minutes 59-90

• What it means to be ordained an Apostle
• What they've learned living internationally
• Reorganizing the Bahrain Stake
• One thing each wants the audience to know about the other
• Testimonies of the Gospel

What is Truth?

Recently, I was filling out a physical history form in preparation for an upcoming doctor's appointment. I always feel compelled to answer their questions with complete honesty. This is my health, afterall. Sometimes, though, it leads to serious conundrums over how I should answer.
For example, how am I supposed to answer the following question, "Fill in the circle to the left of each activity which you have difficulty performing on your own?" Do I fill in the circle next to 'housekeeping' or not? My answer is, "Yes". My husband says that's not the question they're asking.
Another question asks, "Do you ever feel afraid in your home?" Again, my answer is, "Yes". There are times when I hear strange sounds outside and I feel afraid. My husband, on the other hand, has told me that's not the question they're asking, and I'd better check "No" on that one.
Seems to me that doctors shouldn't ask such vague questions.

Is This News?

According to USA Today, stress can test newlyweds. I ask myself... is this news? How about, "Stress Can Test Marriage"? (I don't think you're in the free and clear after you've endured the honeymoon stage. At least that hasn't been my experience...)

"[A] bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, 'Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!' 'Yes,' replied her mother, 'but at which end?'" -Elder Bruce C. Hafen

Paper Doll

While there are many obvious advantages that come with asking my husband to watch the kids while I step out, one of my favorites is, upon my return, discovering what he has dressed our baby in. While I keep a mental note of which clothes go well together, are in the dryer, or are outgrown, this is not always as clear to my husband. I don't him expect to keep track of where every item of clothing is, and I recognize that things should be put away when they are no longer wearable- but it still makes for a fun game to play!

"Wow, I would have never thought to pair that top with sweatpants..."
"Where on earth did he find those socks that she outgrew 6 months ago?"
"I wondered if she still fits into that onesie. Nope."
"Good thing girls can get away with cropped pants."

"I consider a country-dance as an emblem of marriage. Fidelity and complaisance are the principal duties of both; and those men who do not choose to dance or marry themselves, have no business with the partners or wives of their neighbours."
"...You will allow, that in both, man has the advantage of choice, woman only the power of refusal; that in both, it is an engagement between man and woman, formed for the advantage of each; and that when once entered into, they belong exclusively to each other till the moment of its dissolution; that it is their duty, each to endeavor to give the other no cause for wishing that he or she had bestowed themselves elsewhere, and their best interest to keep their own imaginations from wandering towards the perfections of their neighbours, or fancying that they should have been better off with anyone else. You will allow this?"

- Jane Austen, "Northanger Abbey"

Oh, Christmas Tree

Last Saturday we put up and lighted our Christmas tree. I should say, my husband lighted the Christmas tree. I tried to hold my tongue in critiquing his work. Lighting the Christmas tree is one duty we both expected the other to handle after we got married. It's a debate that still continues each year. But, honestly, does it really make sense for the short person to light the tree? This is one task that a tall person can not relegate. But I digress...

Nothing makes your home feel more like Christmas than a Christmas tree. I love it. And as you can imagine, my baby girl was elated by this curious new object in our living room. On Monday we put on the ornaments. When we were done, I swear I heard her say, "Game on." Now, a large part of my day is spent keeping her from chewing on the cord and batting at ornaments.

Not seen: my baby is actually behind this tree.

Only 11 more days of this cruel game... 

A Lot to Learn

This conversation took place after I unpacked our bags and straightened up after returning from a recent trip to Legoland...

My Husband: "Honey, the house looks great."
Me: "Really? Thanks!"
My Son: "I don't see anything different."

We'd better work on that, for the sake of our future daughter-in-law!

The Man Cold

It's getting to be that time of year... cold/flu season. Here's a little clip* to have a little laugh about it- and specifically the dreaded "Man Cold"!!

* Just so you are warned, peruse the other clips at this site at your own risk. Some are pretty crude.

Pack Rat

Pack Rats are real rodents that live in the desert. In their foraging, should they chance upon a shiny treasure, they will drop what they are carrying and take their new treasure home. Their burrows are filled with all of the little treasures that they have found.
So, a slumbering camper might find in the morning that the spot where they left their watch has been replaced by a stick. Or, someone might find that at home, all of their favorite pens that make writing a joy, have slowly been replaced by cheap-o pharmaceutical pens that hardly write at all, and someone else's backpack is full of someone's favorite pens... for example.

The Grave Hath No Victory

Yesterday, my son and I captured a katydid in a jar. The word "capture" really doesn't accurately describe our effort, as the poor thing had a broken leg and didn't put up a fight at all. We threw some grass in the jar, and put it on our counter top. All evening long it moved in slow motion, if it moved at all. Before my son went to bed, I prepared my son for the inevitable. His bug would probably be dead in the morning. I almost threw it out in the yard last night, but I decided I would let my son oversee its burial services. I mindlessly widened the air holes in the plastic cover and went to bed.
After my son left for school this morning, I checked on our little dead bug. This is what I found:

That would be a picture of an empty jar. Which means, somewhere in our house is a fugitive katydid- most likely laying eggs, my husband considerately suggested before he left for work. How can a humongous, bright green, gimpy katydid disappear without a trace in a little house? I can't wait to see where it turns up... or when the infestation will begin.

* It was probably crawling on us in our sleep, per this Onion article that my brother sent me a few weeks ago. (I wouldn't read it if you're sensitive to talk of earwigs...)

What a Wonderful World

I see trees of green, red roses too.
I see them bloom, for me and you.
And I think to myself, "What a wonderful world."

I see skies of blue and clouds of white,
The bright blessed day and the dark sacred night.
And I think to myself, "What a wonderful world."

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces of people going by.
I see friends shakin' hands sayin', "How do you do?"
They're really saying, "I love  you."

I hear babies cryin'. I watch them grow.
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know.
And I think to myself, "What a wonderful world."

Yes, I think to myself, "What a wonderful world."

-Louis Armstrong

Bachelor for a Night

The other night, my husband had to work so I had a self-proclaimed night off. With no husband to impress, we had pancakes and scrambled eggs for dinner (not that that's ever stopped me before). The garbage can was full, so empty food boxes took up residence on my counter. The dishes? I didn't touch the clean dishes in our dishwasher, and the dirty dishes stacked up in our sink. After my baby's bath, I didn't bother to drain or put her tub away. After I got the kids in bed, I indulged in a little T.V. while I worked on a sewing project.

And then I cleaned it all up before I went to bed...

Official Backup

For those who think that women within the church are degraded and subservient, I just don't get where they are coming from. The Brethren have got our back:

"Holders of the priesthood, in turn, must accommodate themselves to the needs and responsibilities of the wife and mother. Her physical and emotional and intellectual and cultural well-being and her spiritual development must stand first among his priesthood duties.
"There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not his equal obligation. The tasks which come with parenthood, which many consider to be below other tasks, are simply above them."
-Elder Boyd K. Packer

Dead Man's Gulch

I'm a survivor.
Because I grew up in a land devoid of freezing precipitation, I decided to take a ski class in college. It equipped me with the skills necessary to get on/off the ski lift and down the mountain in one piece. I enjoy skiing a lot, when it is done on my terms: I do not purposefully attempt to create distance between my skis and the ground, I do not purposefully race at breakneck speeds, I do not purposefully run courses that are more challenging than a blue. Last week, I skied the equivalent of 3 black diamond courses. And I didn't even need snow.
I knew going into the latter half of the week it was going to be hard, but I had no idea. Here is just a taste of what the last 5 days of my life entailed (in addition to my usual duties):

• A husband with church meetings 2 nights, and overnight call the next 3 nights
• One 24 hour period without seeing Husband at all (see above) 
• 2 unplanned doctor's appointments for baby, and a diagnosis of bronchiolitis. She's fine, but that required...
• ...a trip to the pharmacy and 3 daily nebulizer treatments added to the routine 
• Soccer practice and a game for my big boy
• Baby waking multiple times each night coughing or crying

My intent here is not to complain (okay, maybe a little), because I know that every woman has weeks like this, or worse. In the middle of my "solo" day, I began to think ahead to what still laid ahead with dread. And then, I remembered my ski class.
In my first few classes, I realized that if I paid too much attention to what the course held in store for me (groomed trail and/or what kind of injury or death awaited me if I lost control), I would become unnerved and my muscles and heart would tighten with fright. I learned very quickly that if I focused on what I needed to do now and only a few moves ahead, I could stay in control. When I got to the bottom, I would be amazed that I was able to accomplish something that initially seemed so impossible from the top.
This kind of focus is what got me through my rough spots last week. As life felt more and more like a cruel treadmill with no stop button or means of escape, if I focused on what I needed to do now- and not on the misery that still awaited me- I was able to handle things with a better sense of control.
So there you go. I don't know how this reconciles with keeping an eternal perspective, but it got me through the last 5 days alive. And the fact that I'm alive is remarkable.

March Madness

It is that time of year when you will hear grown men saying things like: "sweet sixteen", "final four", "selection Sunday", "march madness", "tourney time", or "bracketology". Don't be fooled by the innocent use of alliteration. These phrases are not excerpts from nursery rhymes. They are a symptom of a very serious obession, for which the only treatment is to let it run its course. This takes about a month. It appears to be somewhat contagious, but 7 years of exposure has not yet affected me*. If you are like me, this SNL clip can help you laugh through the tears...

*. Jimmermania is a different thing.

**And on another note, who cares? Crises in Libya and Japan, balancing the budget... at least he has time to fill out his bracket.

**And in other news, who knew? Girls, if your husband is requesting a vasectomy about now, perhaps family planning is not the reason...

The Earth's Core

"[F]rom 'The Family: A Proclamation to the World': 'Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and ... the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children.' Ponder this statement. This single truth- that the cosmic purpose of this earth and the universe has as its central feature marriage and the family, with husband and wife at the core- should inspire our souls and our imaginations. Marriage and family are not human inventions or social constructs evolving from human necessity. They are part of a heavenly order that leads to eternal life and eternal happiness."

- Elder Eric B. Shumway, Ensign, Oct. 2008

The Amish Adoption Program

A couple of months ago, I was the recipient of a starter for Amish Friendship Bread. For those who don't know what this is, in the cooking world a bread starter is the equivalent of a chain letter. A "friend" gives you a small amount of dough kept in a Ziploc bag that you tend for 10 days. This involves "mushing" it every day, letting excess air out, and adding ingredients when instructed. Just as you have gotten it to sleep through the night, it is time to make the bread. You are then left with four starts of your own (intended to pass onto four of your own unsuspecting friends). You could repeat this cycle the rest of your life if you keep a starter for yourself. If you don't participate, you will be cursed.

When my mom offered me this starter, I declined. Tending bread dough did not seem like something I could manage along with a new baby. When my husband sampled some of the bread, he eagerly accepted a starter, promising he would feed it, walk it, and bake it on the designated day. I don't have to tell you who ended up caring for and baking the bread.

The bread was quite tasty, and I actually repeated the cycle several times. Here are the take-away lessons I learned from my time tending the little starts: 1.) The only thing Amish about this bread, is that you have to mix it by hand with a wooden spoon, as you are instructed quite clearly, that under no circumstances shall this dough be mixed in a metal bowl or with a metal spoon. (Otherwise, it will explode).  I highly doubt the Amish use instant pudding mix or Ziploc bags, as called for in the recipe. 2.) Usually food left on the counter for 10 days spoils to the point of being poisonous to ingest. This is not true for the Amish. It must be how you preserve food if you can't use a refrigerator. 3.)  Baker be warned: Amish Friendship bread does not increase your popularity, as the name suggests. In fact, it does quite the opposite. When most friends find out you have a start, they want nothing to do with you. They might even skip town to avoid the commitment that a starter demands. Why? Because, for some strange reason, starters can not be thrown away without producing large amounts of guilt in the recipient. The minute it makes a home on your counter and looks up lovingly into your eyes, you feel committed to it. You must do everything- including starting a college fund- to allow it to achieve its fullest potential. When you run out of friends to burden, you might even consider dropping starts on neighbor's doors in the dead of the night...
I am now starter free, and my counter has never felt emptier. But, I know up in a little community in Pennsylvania, little starts are being produced every day by the Amish to dispense into the world (the recipe states that only the Amish know how to make the starts). One day, I am bound to cross paths with a friend looking for a good home to raise one of her starters. When that happens, I'm pretty sure I'll be out-of-town.

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

During the Christmas season, we yearn to establish family traditions and make lasting memories. We remember with fondness the feelings we experienced as children during this magical time of year- smells, food, music, decorations. What we didn't realize as children, is that for the adults, these memories are accompanied with a generous helping of stress.
My husband and I decided that decorating our tree would be a great activity for Family Home Evening this week. I found a story explaining the symbols of Christmas, and decided it would be a great way to tie in a remembrance of Christ. With each symbol, I would have my son take a coordinating ornament and hang it on the tree. Then, with Christmas music playing softly in the background, we would decorate the tree and laugh and reminisce over each ornament and the story behind it. We would then bask in the glow of our tree while nibbling on Joe-Joe's and sipping on eggnog. What a cozy scene....
In reality, when the time came for Family Home Evening, my baby girl was experiencing great discomfort and was only happy laying on her tummy on my knee while I bounced her. My husband had strained his back earlier that day and was unable to bend from the waist up without experience excruciating pain, let alone hold/comfort said baby. Therefore, the lesson was relegated to him. The lesson did not go as smoothly as anticipated (do we really not own one ornament with a candy cane?), but was fine. When it was time to decorate the rest of tree, my son's enthusiasm was uncontainable. A box was tipped over, ornaments nearly crushed, and bubble wrap and tissue paper strewn about. I handed out ornaments while I bounced my squirmy, baby girl. There was little time for reminiscing. Our normally delightful Christmas music began to annoy me. By the time we were done, my voice had found the forced happy tone that all mom's know (which only a trained ear can discern the volcano of anxiety and stress it is capping).
Reaching and putting ornaments on the tree proved too much for my husband's back. He sat and held the now calm baby while I prepared the refreshments. I did not care about cuteness anymore. I served the Joe-Joe's from their package. My husband drank his egg nog in the living room, while my son and I ate ours at the table. Things didn't go quite as planned, but it was over. Thank heavens.
Upon reflecting on this evening, I was sad that I did not enjoy the moment as I had hoped. As I wondered where things went wrong, I realized that what I experienced was probably not abnormal. I have crossed the threshold into adulthood. Sadly, being in charge of making memories is much more stressful than going along for the ride. But, I don't worry. Most importantly, I know in my son's eyes that it was a success. (I know this because during a seven day vacation this year, that included New York City, Niagara Falls, and Palmyra, his favorite part of the trip was swimming at our hotel pool). So I say, during this month give yourself the gift of simplicity. Hopefully, then we can enjoy the memories a little too. Until something breaks